On Finding Yourself & Not Caring What Other People Think

What a month. It’s crazy to me how much a single month can change your life and outlook on the world. I spent a bit of time today scrolling through photos of my adventure so far and reflecting on my mental state 5-6 weeks ago versus today. Honestly, I can’t believe the difference. It’s not that I’m doing perfectly at the moment, because to be honest, I’m still having a mild breakdown just about every day. I still can’t spend too much time alone with my mind or I get depressed. No, it’s more about the experiences and joy I’ve created for myself despite the pain and confusion I’m feeling. Two months ago, I would have chosen to stay inside and wallow in my feelings on the regular. Now I’m choosing to go out, to find my people, to pursue a new connection with myself, and to be alive. My outlook has changed, plain and simple.

I realized that I’ve internalized a lot of crap over the past couple of years.

I think, especially in my primary relationship, I often felt like there was a serious disconnect between the way others saw me and who I truly am inside. There were a couple of people in my life who perceived me as weak, small, and timid and expressed to me that it was “cute.” But to me, it felt limiting – was I weak and incapable? Really?

People would vocalize to me (and still do, it’s normal) what they thought I valued, hated, loved, or was capable of, and they were almost always at least a little off course. In my ex’s frantic scramble for labels, several labels were pinned to me that didn’t fit right. Some were unbelievably off-base and confusing. And yet, I never found the voice to strongly express that no, these things WEREN’T me. Even when I tried, I didn’t feel heard. Outside of that relationship, it continued – at school, with family, with friends. I was “the fiddle girl” in some places, “that uptight b**” in others, “the kindest friend” elsewhere, a “A+ student,” the “girl who talks a lot,” or “the quiet girl,” and the list goes on.

We can’t control how other people see us. That’s on them. But it doesn’t mean they’re right, either, or that they have the full picture.

Just because I’m not afraid to share my vulnerability doesn’t mean I’m weak or small or timid. It also doesn’t mean I’m loud or prone to oversharing or too talkative. Just because I struggle with chronic pain doesn’t mean I can’t solo travel, handle my finances, or be a grown-ass woman. I accept help from my community because we’re stronger together, not because I can’t survive alone. Just because I choose to express myself strongly, doesn’t mean I’m angry, crazy, or homophobic. I know what I need and I’m learning to ask for it and set boundaries. And just because I’m quiet sometimes, or study hard, doesn’t mean I’m an introvert or friendless.

When other people decide who you are for you, it’s a reflection of their own inner world.

All too often, I think we simply accept the words other people use towards us as the truth, without relying on our internal judgement around who we are. Personally, I’ve never felt a great mystery around who I am. I am ever evolving, but at the core, I know my heart.

I am an incredibly strong, independent person.

I’m someone who goes after every new scheme she comes up with – and usually succeeds. I’m determined, kind, motivated, and I care deeply about my community. I value new experiences and challenges above complacency and comfort, I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty or deal with some pain to better my mindset, and I’m committed to learning and self-improvement, even though I often fail. I suck at setting boundaries and saying no, but I’m working on it. My heritage and ancestors are important to me, and I listen to their lessons and learn from them. Loyalty and trust and commitment and openness are a big deal to me in every relationship, and if I care about someone in my community, it’s with everything I have. Sometimes I’m too honest. I’m also a total goofball and pretty awkward sometimes.

This is who I am. This is who I’ve been, all along, warts and all. I’ve known myself deeply since our trip to Europe at least, when I spent a ridiculous amount of time cycling, alone with my mind. 

I know this is a huge dump of introspection, but it’s been important to me this month as I’ve reconnected with myself and started to put away all of the perceptions I’ve absorbed from others.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from being alone, traveling, and challenging myself recently, it’s that we are the ones to determine who we are, what we’re committed to, and what we care about.

It doesn’t matter what our friends think. It doesn’t matter what our partners think. It doesn’t even matter what our families think. You are the one who determines your future choices, your evolution, and your outlook. Everyone else can deal. In the end, they don’t live in your head, their perceptions are based on their own inner battles, and you don’t have enough time in this life to be anything less than your authentic self. So what are YOU going to care about, when the rest is stripped away?