On Gratitude, Travel Realities, and Transformation
I feel an overwhelming joy and gratitude lately. Nothing can shake it. Not airport fiascos or back pain or the fact that I’ve lived on peanuts and the occasional bakery snack for the past three days. I can’t say exactly why I’m so full of emotion – it feels unreal to be exploring the world on my own terms. Something about traveling alone is an entirely new experience. I meet incredible new people every day. I feel safe and supported even when I don’t know a single soul in a new city. Strangers are so kind.
I feel more authentically myself than I have in years. There are no limits on my self-expression, no peer pressure, no relationship constraints. It’s not a matter of finding myself – it’s more like falling back into those old shoes and embracing my full strength like I used to. Feels so damn good.
Today was not perfectly smooth by any means, at least so far. I didn’t get much sleep, so got up at 4 and started to head to the airport. Stockholm in the early morning is peaceful and crisp and strangely comfortable – not what I expected from an urban setting before dawn as a solo woman. I’m learning to set aside any preconceptions and fear around solo female travel. It’s really not scary at all. Anyway, my Uber never arrived, but I was charged a $10 cancellation fee anyway, after 20 minutes past the scheduled arrival time. Ugh. Found another taxi, which charged 30 CAD for a 7km ride. A nice Swedish kick in the wallet. Arrived at the airport in the cold with my usual 1hr 45 minutes to departure time, only to find that the Bromma airport is super tiny and wouldn’t open for another 30 minutes. I waited outside, grateful for the mild weather and the quiet night. Texted my mom to tell her I love her and update her on the adventure. Did some work from my phone. Eventually, the airport opened and I got through without further issue.
Despite running on three hours of sleep and a pack of peanuts, my heart is overflowing. I really can’t explain it. This is living – that’s all. Before I left, I was experiencing serious anxiety. It was getting to the point where I was considering seeing a doctor about it. Panic attacks regularly, freaking out every morning and often throughout the day, finding it hard to communicate, etc. Since leaving, those feelings have disappeared entirely. Overall, I feel an intense peace of mind, despite the uncertainty and occasional flashes of fear or discomfort at leaping beyond my comfort zone. I want to write and create and express myself.
I feel all the gratitude in the world for the people who have believed in me, helped me know myself, made me feel strong, and taught me to be self-sufficient. So grateful for everyone I’m now meeting along the way – each with their own little lesson to pass along. Grateful for a body that gets through even on pain days. Grateful to have a passport. There’s so much. Ack. Is it strange to say it out loud?
