The Leaving Process

Today marks the start of my final week in my apartment.

Despite all the planning; all the times I’ve laid on my office floor with my head propped up on a pillow, staring at my giant wall map and dreaming up a route, this doesn’t feel real. Which is fine – I’m used to it. Basically every trip I’ve ever taken has felt like a joke I’m playing on myself up until I’m awake at 5am and headed to the airport.

This one is a little bit different though. Not to get too personal, but I’m not just moving out of my apartment, I’m moving out of our apartment.

So, yeah (*queue writing and rewriting a paragraph five times). That’s rough.

Lately, I wonder every day if I’m strong enough to pull this off. Doing what’s right for ME at all costs isn’t easy – sometimes there’s a sense of guilt for putting myself first and fighting for a daily life in which I’m motivated and fulfilled, because it means I’m putting others second. You’ve probably been there. The thing is, this is a long-term project. Five years from now, I want to have been focusing on my own personal growth and values instead of creating a habit of sacrificing my development for anyone else’s comfort. What no one told me is how much courage it would take to stick to my truth and build that life. Do I have enough?

I find myself savoring these last moments of home.

Waking up early and writing or working in the peace of the morning, before the city awakens. Sipping tea and (again) looking at my wall map in the lamplight, thinking about the adventures to come. Enjoying the comfort of my own bed, my books, my journal collection. Snuggling my hedgehog and building her a cute new home so she knows I love her while I’m gone. Wiggling my toes into the frayed edges of my rug, the first purchase that made me feel like an authentic grownup. Making hot chocolate and enjoying my mug collection. You know. All the little things that make a place home.

In a couple of days, I’ll pack all those little pieces of my life into three plastic tubs to stay in my parents’ garage (thank god they finally have a home base to take advantage of, heh). Almost everything that doesn’t fit is either going to Value Village or will fit in my carry-on backpack, the only piece of luggage I’m traveling with. The map is going to my younger brother, and Will is holding onto the rug. I’ll scramble to get the last bits and pieces in order – print documents (check), get an International Driver’s License (check), set up more than 1 bank card (uhh).

And then I guess I’m off.

Easy peasy, at least on paper. The butterflies in my stomach aren’t so sure. ;)